“Why don’t you ever put that poor baby down?” and How to Deal with Babywearing Negativity.
A huge thanks to Anne McEwan from Natural Mamas for this guest post:
Carrying your child in a sling has many well documented benefits yet it often seems that society is still playing catch up. Parents using slings report negative reactions from friends, family and even complete strangers. Being told that a choice you are making for your child is wrong can be hard, especially if it is a choice that feels so right for you.
Why the negativity?
When deciding how to deal with negativity to your choice to carry your child in a sling – or any parenting choice- it can be useful to consider why they feel the need to express the negativity in the first place. The vast majority of comments fall into these two categories:
1) That is not what I did/would do and I feel judged by you or think you are crazy
Regardless of whether you intend to judge someone else for not carrying their child, some people will allow their own insecurities to coax them into putting down your choice. Remarks from these people are often phrased in a ‘I could never do that’ or ‘It never harmed mine to go in a buggy’ way.
2) Lack of understanding
Just very simply a lack of understanding as to why you would want to carry your child. Sometimes people react with ridicule to something that they have not encountered before as a way to hide their lack of knowledge. ‘Look at that woman with two heads’ or ‘can you not afford a pushchair’ are ways in which this can be expressed.
What can you do?
The first thing you can do when you are approached in a way which feels negative to you is to examine whether it was meant to cause upset, is a misunderstanding or someone suffering from a case of foot in mouth syndrome.
It is possible for someone to say something which was meant in a very innocent way but which comes across as negative to you. By taking a step back and asking yourself whether you are being over sensitive you can gain an extra insight into the situation rather than going into defensive mode straight away.
If you have established that it was not merely an innocent remark you can then decide whether and how you want to respond. A teenager passing in the street may not be worthy of any response since it does not matter what they think of you, whilst a negative remark from a family member can have a much bigger impact.
Tried and tested responses
These are some tried and tested responses to negative remarks. Choose the one that suits you and your situation best or have fun making up your own!
‘I love carrying him it makes both of us happy.’
The truth and nothing but the truth. So many reasons to carry but this is the most important of all and really it is also one that people should just be able to accept.
‘Carrying her is so easy. I wish slings like this had been as easily accessible when you had your babies.’
This one is great for those who you feel may have wished they had carried their children. It works in two ways. One, it gives an excellent non emotive reason for carrying and two, it empathises with them and expresses a wish that they would have been able to do the same.
‘I am sure carrying him has made him so much more confident, just look at how he loves to play with his train. Do you mind looking after him while I go and make a drink.’
If you feel that the person expressing the negativity is worried that they will not get to interact with your child in the way they had imagined, this can be a good way to redirect their attention. Please note that using this technique with a child who will scream when you leave their sight is probably counter productive…
‘Do you know I burn a lot more calories carrying her. It is great exercise and my back has never been stronger.’
A concern for the carriers back is often borne from an inability to understand how a soft sling distributes the weight evenly over your body. They imagine themselves carrying a child as heavy as yours and simply cannot imagine being able to do so.
‘Have you seen his latest trick? He can blow bubbles.’
Sometimes it is not worth your breath arguing or trying to explain. Focusing the attention on your gorgeous baby can then be the least confrontational way to move forward. After all, regardless of what they think, you are doing what you believe is best for your baby and as his parent you are in the ultimate position to make those decisions.
For some great independent advice on slings and babywearing see www.slingguide.co.uk
Anne McEwan – Babywearing consultant and educator.
www.naturalmamas.co.uk The home of natural parenting.
Great post. Have to say I have had nothing but positive comments while wearing my son. Especially when giving my little one a peck on the forehead while doing the grocery shopping with 2 hands free :)
Although now he is 2.5 years old and is a lot bigger some people are a bit like – wow he looks like he would be heavy. The Manduca is brilliant at distributing the weight, and it is comfortable but I can’t carry him for as long as I used to – but nor does he want to be carried as much – he wants to explore on his own now – the carrier only gets used if it is close to nap time/is nap time and he is too tired to walk.
I just stumbled across this post having clicked lots and lots of links! So glad I did. I am so naive to this whole subject. I had no idea it was such a big issue for some. I wondered why my mother-in-law wouldn’t let it go that I carry my baby in a sling so much! For me, it just makes perfect sense, my baby was born 10 weeks early, we had to go through horrendous separation while he was in the NICU and now having him in the sling makes us both feel better. I see it as sort of helping to heal the damage done by not having those extra 10 weeks inside me. I plan to “wear” him until he no longer wants to be worn! Right off to do some more research…thank you so much for this.
When people say “Ooh I could never do that” they are not necessarily being negative in the way you imply. Until I visited a sling library with my third child that was me. You see I had only ever used a high street carrier and found once my baby got to about 4 months he was just too heavy to carry – and he hadn’t been that comfortable before!
The sling library opened my eyes to the comfort and easy of carrying babies and now my pram hardly ever gets used!
So perhaps the response to a mummy who says they could never do that, is “here, borrow my sling, you’d be amazed”
I was born in Africa and had an African nanny. She carried me on her back all the time and when I was sick I spent the whole day on her back right up until we left when I was eight. I loved Bernadette and I still remember that feeling of security to this day.
I now live in Germany where it is pretty normal to carry your baby around and I carried all of mine as small babies but to be honest we are all such hot bodies it became pretty uncomfortable particularly in the summer months, so once they were toddling it pretty put an end to the sling!
I must say though that they were all born in the winter months and so I bought an extra large Jacket and used to love going for long walks in the snow with them wrapped up nice and warm on my front, there is nothing quite like that feeling of closeness when you can rest your cheek on the top of their head and chat with them as you walk ;o)
I guess I must have been lucky. I have never had anything other than positive comments and curiosity when carrying my 3 boys over the last seven years. I have never heard any reports from any of my friends, either.
People usually tell me how cosy the baby looks, how much easier it looks than a ‘huge buggy’ or they just coo adoringly at the baby, who is closer to eye level.
Most people’s reaction is to smile and say hello, rather than judge me!
I have lost count of how many times total strangers (even those without babies) have asked me where I got my various slings.
I send compassion and support to anyone who has ever received a negative comment.
But please don’t think you should expect them, just because an article has been written about how to handle them (and yes, it’s a good article). Please don’t let fear of others’ opinions put you off carrying your baby, if that’s what feels right for you.
If you ever do get a bad comment or feel judged, remember that all criticism is borne of someone else’s pain – they must be feeling pretty bad inside, to criticise you carrying a baby.
with love, Clare x
Lovely post! My go to response is ‘they grow up so fast, I’m squeezing in all the cuddles I can now!’ ;-)
I always get positive reactions when wearing a baby. People are usually pleasantly surprised that a baby is suddenly in their eyesight. I get some confused looks when I wear my older son, though. He is three and a half, and he likes to be worn sometimes when we’re in church or if he’s just grumpy. I think the old-fashioned concerns about independence and spoiling are still there for a lot of older people, especially when it’s a child and not a baby who is being held. I have never been questioned about it, but if I was, I would not find it offensive. I try to remain calm and open about my choices to present a good image, and also try to keep in mind that not long ago I was the one who thought my aunt breastfed for so long because she was too much of a wuss to wean. Lol
For some reason my baby girl never took to a sling, but it wasn’t a well thought out design like those pictured here. I wish that the internet was around more then and I could have read up as to why it wasn’t working. Anyway she was a wee slip of a thing so I carried her everywhere on my hip. She loved that :-)