How to Cope with Birth Trauma – Guest Post
As a first-time mum, how do you know what to expect when you’re expecting? And the all-important day of the birth? How many ways are there to prepare for the arrival of your new baby? You name it, I’m pretty sure I did it. I signed up to ante-natal classes. I did the ‘stork walk’ at our local hospital. I eagerly read the weekly pregnancy email I’d subscribed to. My birth plan was written. I regularly listened to a hypno-birthing meditation. And pregnancy books? Well, the local charity shop now has a library in stock!
I imagined when the day came that my little bump made an appearance in the world that I’d feel informed, prepared, in control. The reality couldn’t have been more different. It was fast. (Aren’t first births supposed to be long?) It was frightening. (What happened to my blissful water birth?) It was traumatic. (Why isn’t he crying?)
Over the past few months I’ve talked to other mums about ‘birth trauma’ and it seems the definition is loose. It seems to be any birth experience that, for whatever individual reasons, didn’t meet the mum’s expectations. For me, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect but it certainly wasn’t that.
It took some time for that to hit me and when it did it hit me hard.
I felt cheated. I had been robbed of that magical moment I’d seen on so many films and fly-on-the-wall documentaries, the euphoric moment when the mum holds her baby for the first time. And the feeling just snowballed. And eventually snowballed into a serious case of anxiety.
As my birth preparation might suggest, I’m usually a driven and go-getting person. And, as a life design coach, I’ve got the badge to prove my belief in people’s ability to create their best experiences no matter what the circumstances. But I began to feel out of my depth. It took some time for me to begin to wade through the gloopy heaviness I was feeling and that continued to rob me of the magical moments I’d imagined.
But wade through it I did.
Slowly, and with the patient support of my amazing family, I began to unravel the tangle I’d got myself into. I took baby steps into my new role as a mummy and I used a few tools in my professional toolkit to help myself. Here’s how:
Tell your story
The biggest shift came for me when I wrote my account of my experience. I knew, rationally, that it was probably inaccurate but getting it out of my head and down on paper was cathartic. I wrote exactly how I had felt and the experience through my eyes. How my excitement and apprehension turned to panic and terror. How I’d felt violated. Sadness. Anger. Regret. I let it all out. I re-read it. And then I decided to let it go. Not forget it but come to some kind of acceptance.
Talk it out
Talking it through was the biggest eye-opener. I re-lived the events of the day with my husband, filling some of my gas and air-induced lapses in memory. In getting another perspective, my own began to shift. I also took the opportunity to have a ‘de-brief’ at the hospital. Understanding the medical reasons for the decisions that were made gave me yet more perspective and a new sense of gratitude for the outcome of that day – the birth of my precious baby boy.
Give yourself a break
On reflection I can see how hard on myself I was. As a new mum, you’re dealing with a huge life adjustment and a traumatic birth experience gives you an extra helping of new emotions to deal with. Once I’d made the decision to ‘let it go’, I saw and felt subtle changes each day – I began to notice more. I started enjoying the special little moments each day, present to the day rather than re-living a yesterday that I couldn’t change. Notice the little things each day and, if you can, write them down. If you can find at least one thing you’re grateful for each day, it’s surprising how quickly things begin to shift.
Set the bar
I’d spent so long focusing on being pregnant and planning for the birth that I neglected to prepare for how I’d feel as a mummy. I decided to create a vision for what kind of mummy I wanted to be; I set the bar for myself. For me, it is important for me to create quality time with my baby each day, to be creative in sharing new experiences with him, to bring a sense of fun to the ordinary. In knowing what I’m striving for, it’s made it much easier for me to recognise when I’m doing a good job. And, on the other days, I remind myself that we’re both new to this game but we’ll get there, a day at a time.
For more suggestions for coping with birth trauma see this post HERE.
To contact the Birth Crisis Network visit their website HERE.
Sheila Kitzinger will be speaking about birth trauma at the International Parenting Conference this summer, for more information visit the website HERE.
Emma Gwillim is mummy to Louis and a Life Design coach empowering women to live a life less ordinary. Emma coaches women to awaken to their unique potential, so they can make more time, more money and more life, through one-to-one sessions, virtual group programmes and live workshops. Sign up to the weekly newsletter here to get tips, advice and inspiration delivered to your inbox.
How to Help (the Parents of) a Baby Who Won’t Sleep – The Science of Baby Sleep Problems
I am writing this in the wake of yet another piece of research advising parents to leave their babies to cry. The recent study by Marsha Weinraub, published in Developmental Psychology advises anxious, sleep deprived parents to let their babies cry themselves to sleep (read HERE for a poorly written summary full of Weinraub’s own assumptions and bias).
In part I admit I am heartend by the Weinraub report, as it highlights quite clearly how normal it is for babies to wake regularly at night. The Weinraub findings show that by 6 months of age, the majority (66%) of children were still waking at night once or twice per week. Around one third of 1200 infants studied (34%) woke 7 times per week at 6 months, twice per week at 15 months and once per week by the time they were two years old. I have already blogged about the normality (and indeed necessity) of infant night waking HERE.
Back to the Weinraub study, those who woke more frequently were more likely to have been assessed as having a ‘difficult temperament’ (I would far rather see this termed ‘babies who needed more parental input to feel calm and secure for whatever reason”, labelling it as ‘difficult temperament’ is a surefire way to guarantee parents will feel negative and unhappy with their baby’s perfectly normal needs), be breastfed at 6 and 15 months old, and have more depressed mothers at 6 months old.
I’m sure you can see where this is going now, we have a neat little sum that the mainstream media and the ‘baby sleep experts’ can use to tell parents to leave their babies to cry in order for everyone to get a good night’s sleep and be psychologically healthy. Indeed these articles from the UK’s Daily Mail and The Daily Telegraph do just that very thing. The sum in question being:
Breastfeeding + frequent night waking = depressed mothers.
The solution? Train the babies to sleep through the night = mothers will be less depressed and the babies will learn the all important skill of self soothing, a win-win surely?
Only this is a naive solution at best and a damaging one at worse. Firstly it is factually incorrect, as highlighted by the work of Dr Kathleen Kendall Tackett, Psychologist and IBCLC, HERE whose research in this area leads her to say:
“Breastfeeding mothers are less tired and get more sleep than their formula – or mixed feeding – counterparts. And this lowers their risk of depression”.
Further commenting on the ethics and framing of the Weinraub research results Professor of Psychology at the University of Notre Dame, Darcia Narvaez has a similar opinion:
“The framing of the research is misleading, dangerous and unethical. The research focusses on babies 6 months and older, yet (the report of the research HERE) begins the piece by talking about newborns, thereby implying that parents of newborns should use the cry it out techniques. There is no evidence to support this and much evidence to show that leaving young babies to cry does much long term damage to their physiological and psychological development.”
Weinraub, her fellow baby training advocates and all of the media who pick up on their work are perpetuating harmful myths about the normality of baby sleep. The more research of this kind that is published and the ensuing media reporting, the more we will lose our understanding of normal infant sleeping patterns and that is a dangerous myth to believe, for it causes parents to disregard their instinct and follow advice which can cause much harm (see THIS BLOG for more my thoughts here).
Agreeing with the problems in the definition of infant sleep problems, Professor of Psychology at the University of North Texas, Wendy Middlemiss suggests:
“Waking is what babies do… sometimes, babies need assistance to return to sleep… those assisted return to sleep more readily and achieve a better quality sleep. Babies who are breastfed have a greater probability of some extremely positive outcomes. Breastfed babies wake more but mothers maintain close proximity and thus wakings are less disruptive. Parental fatigue is not generally reported with one nightwaking; early wakings seem to sort themselves out by the second year of life; So… Why does research continue to focus on waking… It isn’t the Waking. It’s the Regulation of Responses… and the best regulation comes from attention, touch, proximity, responsiveness”.
Then there is the potential damage to the breastfeeding relationship caused by the sleep training suggested in research such as that by Weinraub and Price. The World Health Organisation recommends that: “Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended up to 6 months of age, with continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond” however much of this still occurs during the nighttime hours, a time that is therefore crucial to the continuation of the nursing relationship (see HERE for a good explanation of milk production). What effect then does the artificially induced cessation of night feeds have upon the viability of exclusive breastfeeding until 6months and continuation to 2 years and beyond? This point is one that is sorely missed in the current craze of sleep training advocacy research.
John Hoffman, Canada’s leading parenting writer and ex columnist of Todays Parent comments further on this issue:
“I have the impression that the breastfeeding/nightwaking connection is an uncomfortable topic for many people. Study after study that I’ve seen shows that breastfed babies wake up more often than bottle fed babies (ergo, night waking is arguably normal in breastfed babies). Some breastfeeding advocates don’t seem to like to talk about this because, perhaps, they are afraid mothers will be discourage from breastfeeding. Sleep experts don’t like to talk about it at length (although, like Weinraub, they do mention it) because they can’t be seen to be anti-breastfeeding, but their focus/obsession is that babies simply have to sleep through the night.”
John has already written of his concern that many seem to feel that parenting only happens during waking hours (you can read more on John’s blog HERE) and like many of us (I use ‘us’ as a term referencing those scientists, authors and birth and parenting workers who advocate gentle parenting based on a sound evidence base) he is an advocate of parental informed choice. Currently though the influx of biased and misinformed pro sleep training research is not affording parents that opportunity. If a parent chooses to sleep train their child that is absolutely their perogative, all I hope is that their decision to train has been fully informed and is based not on feelings of guilt and desperation but on research and understanding of the wider implications. Or as John says:
“In an ideal world, I think the core message parents need is (coming from the assumption that breastfeeding is not best, but rather, the normal way to feed a baby – the kind of feeding that babies and mothers were designed to experience) to understand that night waking ( to varying degrees) is normal in breastfed babies, so if your baby is waking, you may not like it, but understand that it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong, and that there is nothing wrong with you if you choose to live with it rather than fix it.”
Psychologist Oliver James is known for his belief of “Do the least harm”, for some parents deprived so much of sleep and lacking support that their physical and mental health are affected sleep training may well be the least harm. The key here is not dictating to parents what they should or shouldn’t do with their children. The key is providing them with the support and information they need in order for them to make their own decisions, confidently.
John Hoffman agrees here saying:
“If parents want to try a controlled crying method they should understand the risks which are:
A)it will be hard for them
B) It will be stressful for their baby
C) It may not work or it may work only temporarily
Parents should also get guidelines on when to give up when controlled crying isn’t working and outside limits in terms of how long to let babies cry.”
So what are the risks of controlled crying? I have already covered this topic HERE. Darcia Narvaez, Associate Professor of Psychology at Notre Dame University, also covers this topic excellently HERE commenting:
“One strangely popular notion still around today is to let babies ‘cry it out’ when they are left alone, isolated in cribs or other devices. This comes from a misunderstanding of child and brain development.”
Perhaps some of the most compelling evidence to date concerning the potential side effects of controlled crying is research conducted by Wendy Middlemiss, Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of North Texas. This simple, elegant study showed the dissonance between the term ‘contented babies’ and what was really happening on a biological level (by measuring cortisol – stress hormone – levels). In short Middlemiss’ research clearly proved that whilst babies may not cry out for their mother after a few nights of training, they are anything but soothed, with their spiked cortisol levels indicating the stress trauma they were experiencing internally. The Daily Telegraph covered the Middlemiss research quite well HERE if you would like to read more. As Australian parenting author Pinky McKay says frequently “No evidence of harm is not the same as evidence of no harm”. Currently the work of Weinraub and Price, study limitations aside (I have discussed some of the Price study limitations HERE) do not provide adequate evidence of no harm, yet the work of Middlemiss most definitely indicates evidence of harm. Why then is it the former that is more widely reported and latched onto by worldwide health services and workers?
With reference to the commonly banded ‘”self soothing’ terminology used by so many sleep trainers Wendy elaborates on how mothers can truly help their baby learn how to soothe:
“Soothing is part of the self-regulatory behavior that will develop as infants mature and as their physiological responses mature. This maturity is best achieved, according to extensive research, through attention to signaling. The adult is the first source of emotional and physiological regulation for infants. Through their guided regulation, infants develop physiological and emotional regulation. There is an extensive body of research that without this responsiveness, physiological and neurological development is impaired…not support. Thus, it is parents’ early presence and guidance in regulating emotional responses for infants that is likely to contribute to infants’ developing capacity to soothe themselves.”
What does that mean to us as parents? In short it means our responses to our baby’s (totally normal) awakenings determine whether our young truly have the ability to self soothe to sleep later in life, by not leaving them to ‘self soothe’ at a time when they are psychologically/biologically unable to we are more likely to create a ‘contented’ (ref Gina Ford), independent child.
So what can we do to help parents who are despairing of their offspring’s (lack of) sleep? I have a few ideas:
1. We can educate them about normal infant sleep, the effect on parents upon hearing that their baby’s sleep is entirely normal never ceases to amaze me. Once we know something is normal and only a problem if it is a problem for us personally it suddenly lessens hugely in intensity. I feel it is vitally important that each new parent understands the biological norm of our species.
2. We can provide unbiased factual information, not only on the normality of infant sleep, but on the pros and cons of different forms of sleep training and modification. Allowing parents to make a truly informed choice. Part of this may involve challenging the voices of those ‘experts’ who choose to ignore the scientific evidence surrounding infant sleep and related behavioural modifications.
3. We can help parents to know they are not alone, we can support them, we can listen to them – unconditionally, nurturing them in their parenting journey so that they may nurture their babies in the way that they see fit.
4. We can provide more practical help, better maternity and paternity leave here would be a huge help and a good start.
5. We can help health and childcare professionals around the world to stay up to date with research, not just that from researchers with the loudest voice and biggest column inches.
6. We can provide suggestions and help parents to form their own toolkit to help them through their early parenting journey (I have blogged a little about this HERE).
Make no mistake, there are many passionate, talented individuals who are working towards these goals, some you may have heard of, some perhaps you might not have – yet, but they are there, they are working hard and soon it will be impossible to not hear what they have to say.
As Psychologist Robin Grille says HERE “ the time of being ignored is over; and the mainstream media has begun to ridicule, judge and smear. I know of no better evidence that the new parenting movement has grown enough to reach – and pass! – a critical tipping point. It is now a big enough minority to cause a stir. Time to fasten seatbelts, there is turbulence ahead!”
Me? I’m all buckled up and ready to go, I just hope the road isn’t *too* bumpy!
Written by:
Sarah (Mum to Four, Parenting Author and Founder of BabyCalm Ltd)
You can read more of Sarah’s articles HERE.
The Hipocrisy of Co-Sleeping Safety Media Reporting
In reply to THIS ARTICLE, this says it all:
risks
How to Cope When Your Baby Has Separation Anxiety (AKA The Clingy Baby!)
I remember it well. Just as you come out of the new parent fog, your baby sleeps a little more at night, you begin to think that ‘at last I might have this parenting thing sussed’, perhaps you’re about to go back to work, or consider leaving your baby for your first post baby night away…….and then it happens, all of a sudden your baby regresses back to newborn behaviour, your smiling, ‘happy to go to anybody’ little bundle is only happy in your arms. You can no longer even have a wee alone, the second you leave the room you hear your little one wail, if they’re mobile they crawl into the bathroom after you, clinging at your legs desperate for you to pick them up.
What went wrong?
What did you do to create such a clingy baby?
Why is your little one so lacking in confidence that they need to be glued to you 24/7?
Why do they cry so much unless they are close to you?
It’s your fault……you must have done something wrong surely?
Only you didn’t, in fact you did everything right! Separation anxiety (AKA the baby who screams unless superglued to you) is a GOOD sign, yes I did say that, no I’m not insane – it’s a sign you’ve done a great job! In fact it’s one of the best signs you can see to show that you have raised a psychologically healthy, completely normal infant.
So why is it a good thing? To put it briefly when your baby is born they have no idea that they are a separate entity to you, as far as your baby is concerned you and he are one , in fact you may as well be your baby’s arm or leg, he sees you as such an integral part of your being. It takes quite a while for your little one to work out that you aren’t joined at the hip, that he is a separate being to you. This knowledge happens at around 6 to 18 months, peaking at around the 9 to 10 month stage. It shows your baby is clever, intelligent and totally, totally normal and it shows you have done a great job as a mother, you see it is an indication that your little one has formed a secure attachment to you.
Last century several prominent psychologists spent a long term researching attachment theory, I’m going to be a bit lazy here and fill you in via YouTube THIS is also a wonderful (in depth) summary of the origins of ‘Attachment Theory’ – in short the significantly important work of these researchers led us to the understanding we have today – that the beginnings of true independence and confidence in children stem from a secure attachment to the mother (or substitute mother figure) in infancy.
One of the best measures of ‘secure attachment’ is a very young child who is comfortable (to explore the world) in the presence of her mother and very upset when her mother leaves – the only problem is in our detachment parenting culture this is not seen as normal, it is seen as undesirable and ‘clingy’ behaviour, in many cases it is seen as a failing – a failing for the parents to ‘detach’ and grow a confident child. This couldn’t be further from the truth, just as the incorrect assumption made by society that “in order to create a confident independent child we must push them out into the world so they can learn we are not always there” is grossly incorrect too. True independence is not learnt through rewards, punishments and force, true independence stems from a loving, secure relationship with caregivers at a young age.
So then, back to your clingy 9 month old. Rather than being a cause for concern that you’ve done something wrong and will have a shy, clingy child living with you until their 30s, actually what his ‘clingy’ behaviour could be interpreted as is a way of him congratulating you “you did good mum!”. All of that considered I appreciate it would be nice to have a wee by yourself once in a while, so here’s a few ideas to help you to cope during the peak separation anxiety period whilst fostering the all important attachment your little one has created and allowing detachment at his or her pace.
1. Empathy – Understand what your baby is going through, understand that this is a normal phase of development, albeit a scary one, for them to pass through, they are not trying to manipulate you or “wind you around their finger”, if you parent with empathy during separation anxiety not only will your child be more empathic and confident themselves when they are grown, ultimately parenting will be easier and more rewarding for you too.
2. Understanding – Not just from you, but from those close to you. Despite research into attachment theory being prevalent in the 50s and 60s (the era our parents were most often born) the results of this research didn’t really filter down into mainstream parenting, thus our parents probably parented in an entirely different way that involved us “needing to learn to be independent”. It’s hard parenting in a way different to your own parents, particularly when they (and health visitors of a similar age) offer us advice along the likes of “Just leave him to cry a little bit, it won’t kill him, he has to learn he can’t have everything his own way all of the time.”
3. Consider the timing for your return to work – Many mothers book their return to work at around 7 to 10 months, thinking that their babies won’t be tiny any more, will probably be weaned onto solids and thus not so needy of the mother, in fact this is probably one of the worst times a mum can return to work, but it is so common! Consider the possibility of pushing back your return to work by a month or two if possible.
4. If you do have to return to work, consider the impact of attachment on your child, it has long been suggested that one on one care in a home setting from a nanny or childminder is psychologically more healthy for a baby, it allows the child and caregiver to foster a good bond and to help the baby to cope with separation anxiety in a way that will lead them to be more confident as a child. Attachment Childcare UK is a wonderful organisation that offers a free listing of childcare professionals who subscribe to the principles of attachment theory.
5. Consider postponing a move to the nursery or out of the parental bed. We all know 6 months is the recommended minimum to keep our babies in our bedroom in order to reduce SIDS risks, keeping your baby in with you for a little longer can also help them to cope with separation anxiety too.
6. Build secure attachments with other people – Pretty much covered in point 4 above, but the secure attachment doesn’t just have to be with mum, it can be with dad, granny, grandad, babysitter, nanny or childminder! You just need to build the secure attachment before separation anxiety exists
7. Help your child to feel as ‘close’ to you as possible, some parents give their child an item of their clothing to hug, a muslin spritzed with their perfume or even a photograph of themselves to carry around. Some even record their voices, talking to their little one or singing a lullaby.
8. Donald Winnicott spoke widely about ‘transitional objects’, or what you and I would know as ‘comfort objects’. Teddy bears, dummies, blankets, ‘lovies’ or any other object which a child can use to transition from complete dependence to relative independence from you. At BabyCalm we love Cuskis and recommend them to all parents seeking help with separation anxiety. Cuski baby comforters are designed to stimulate the awareness of your familiar scents, helping to induce security and well-being in your baby. First Mummy or Daddy sleeps with the Cuski to transfer all their comforting scents on to Cuski’s unique material. When introduced to your baby/toddler, Cuski helps to create a cosy safe environment for your little one to drift off to sleep whilst still feeling the closeness of you. Just make sure you have more than one, I speak from experience when I tell you how awful it is when a child loses their favourite comforter!
9. Try to keep the rest of your life as constant as possible, nine months is not the greatest time to go on holiday for instance, or start a trial session at nursery or the gym crèche.
10. Be kind on yourself whilst your baby is experiencing separation anxiety. This is the real key, the key to surviving this period is you. You can’t do much to speed your baby through this stage, nor can you stop them from feeling totally normal feelings, but what you can do is change how you respond. In order to respond with compassion for your baby you need to nurture yourself. Sleep when you can, enlist help from people your baby already has a secure attachment with, even if it is just for them to sit cuddling your baby for an hour whilst you soak in the bath, ask people to prepare meals for you, consider temporarily employing a cleaner or somebody to do your washing and ironing for you (using our local laundarettes service wash was a Godsend for me during this phase with my children!). Find something that helps you to mentally relax – yoga, relaxation CDs, running, reading a good book and know that “this too will pass”.
The easiest way to survive separation anxiety is with the help of your family and friends, this is the key – as summed up so well by the father of attachment theory – Bowlby – himself:
“Just as children are absolutely dependent on their parents for sustenance, so in all but the most primitive communities, are parents, especially their mothers, dependent on a greater society for economic provision. If a community values its children it must cherish their parents.” (John Bowlby, 1951)
Sarah (Mum to Four, Parenting Author and Founder of BabyCalm Ltd)
You can read more of Sarah’s articles HERE.
Why BabyCalm Will No Longer Be Exhibiting at The Baby Show
This is a really sad post for me to write, but so many of you have emailed, tweeted and facebooked, both myself and our social media team, over the past two weeks telling us how excited you are to be able to meet us, browse our slings, get a book signed and so on at the Earl’s Court baby show at the end of this month, that I feel I owe it to you all to tell you why we have decided not to attend The Baby Show (organised by Clarion) anymore.
Our first stand at Earls Court, 2011
In October 2011 we exhibited at the Earl’s Court Baby Show for the first time. We were very busy for the three days we were there which meant we had little idea of what was happening at the rest of the show and certainly did not have time to listen to the ‘expert advice’ being given from the stage. Although we were very busy and sold lots of slings we did not profit from the show, we were happy though as we felt we were getting the BabyCalmTM name ‘out there’ and presenting a different perspective – of gentle parenting – to the thousands of new parents attending the show.
In February of 2012 we rebooked and attended The Baby Show at Excel in London. A week before the show I was made aware of The Baby Show’s links with the arms trade. Apparently several larger companies and organisations, including Bounty, Mumsnet, UNICEF and the Royal College of Midwives (RCM), were already aware of this and had already decided to boycott the shows. For more information on The Baby Show’s links with the arm’s trade and subsequent boycotting see:
http://www.mumsnet.com/bloggers/guest-blog-hackney-doula
http://www.spacehijackers.org/html/projects/dseibabies/thebabyshow.html
http://www.caat.org.uk/press/press-release.php?url=20111025prs
http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/blog/2008/oct/17/1
http://www.analyticalarmadillo.co.uk/2012/02/baby-show-involved-with-arms-trade.html
This news left me feeling deeply uncomfortable, how could I attend and promote BabyCalmTM – a company all about love and life – when my stall fee (circa £1500 in total) would be used to help a company who also promoted war and death? Or as RCM spokesperson Sue Jacob sums up in this post http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/rebecca-schiller/baby-show-arms-trade-links_b_1319821.html
“As a caring organisation that believes in providing universal care to women and babies (some of whom have themselves been victims of war) we object strongly to links between the Baby Show and the arms trade. It is abhorrent that Clarion Events is putting money before people and the RCM calls on them to break their links with the arms trade now.”
We had however already paid for our stall and invested a lot of money in display materials and stock and felt we had no choice but to attend. Charlotte and I couldn’t shake the feelings of guilt the whole weekend though and wondered if the parents attended the show knew of the links? This time our stall was directly opposite the main stage, so for the first time I got to hear every speech by all of the ‘experts’. Some I found to be very good and very interesting, the Red Cross speaker for instance was excellent. Others were less so (see http://babycalm.wordpress.com/2012/02/27/our-adventures-at-the-baby-show/ and make sure you read all of the comments left by others in reply). It is important to me in my professional life to realise what a privileged position I am in, thousands of expectant and new parents trust me to give them sound evidenced based information in order to help them to make informed choices about the care of their baby. I know this, I make sure I spend hours researching the latest scientific evidence, I have an amazing network of scientists, parents, lecturers, authors and birth workers I rely on to help keep me informed and up to date. Ultimately what matters the most to me though is that whatever information I disseminate is 1) factually correct, 2) Current , 3) Non-judgemental and 4) As impartial as possible. I am often asked ‘How would BabyCalmTM deal with this?” my answer is always “there is no BabyCalmTM way, there is only information and support”.
In short it became apparent that not all ‘baby/breastfeeding experts’ feel the same as me and this saddened me deeply. So much so that I wrote a 3000 word complaint letter to the director of The Baby Show, Julian, after the show (It is too lengthy to post here, but if you are interested in reading it please let me know). I spent a week composing the letter ensuring that I backed every single point up with scientific evidence and was as impartial and professional as possible. In short I called for The Baby Show to consider their position and the advice they presented to vulnerable new parents. I awaited a reply. I did not receive one, despite much chasing via email and telephone (thank you Charlotte – my business partner for doing so!). I think they hoped we would go away quietly.
Charlotte and I spent the next 6months in turmoil, trying to decide whether we should continue to exhibit at The Baby Show or not – on the one hand we had received so many positive emails and comments from visitors and fellow professionals saying how wonderful it was that we were presenting parents with good, empowering information and an unbiased opinion on products, particularly slings and carriers (we spent many hours with parents at the shows helping them to understand the pros and cons of each type of carrier and understanding what may be best for them, we were the only stand offering a choice of carrier types and brands) and on the other there was the guilt about the arms trade links and the growing unease with The Baby Show’s apparent disregard for the information presented to vulnerable new parents.
In the end we decided to try once more, but this time to attend in a not for profit capacity (though because of the high stand fees we hadn’t actually profited at the first two events anyway). We thought we could genuinely help parents to understand their options and could provide them not with advice, but with information and support. This felt a little more comfortable to us and although we still felt uncomfortable we felt we could attend with a clearer conscience, so Charlotte commenced the booking procedure.
We received an email from The Baby Show’s manager, Melanie, at the end of August expressing her surprise at BabyCalm’sTM decision to re-attend the show, given our response to the last one (which we still have never received a reply to coincidentally). In this email she later went on to say that we could only attend the Earl’s Court show if I agreed to sign a document saying that I would not question the validity of The Baby Show’s ‘expert’ speakers again – or in Melanie’s words:
“I was surprised to see that Baby Calm wishes to exhibit again at The Baby Shows following previous events. I therefore wanted to speak to you personally prior to returning the counter signed contract formally confirming the stand.
I am sure that you will not be surprised to hear that we were contacted by a number of the stage speakers from the event who were quoted within a Baby Calm presentation. It was felt that the presentation made references which were taken out of context from their talks to portray them in a negative light. It also included The Baby Show logo without permission.
We do not believe that this activity was carried out in the spirit of the event or one fellow exhibitor to another. Therefore I request a written reassurance confirming that this type of activity will not be repeated again. Once this has been received we will be happy to send through the counter signed agreement.”
Understandably I was not prepared to do this. I have strong business ethics and felt deeply uncomfortable with the idea of signing a document promising that I would not call into question anything I saw or heard at the show which I felt was detrimental to the psychological or physiological health of parent or infant, Charlotte supported me fully. Perhaps it was a bad business decision, but we are not prepared to put the economic success of our business before the wellbeing of vulnerable new parents and their babies, if that makes me a bad business woman so be it, but I will sleep with a clear conscience tonight. Here I should point out that I have no issue with any ‘expert’ presenting a different opinion to my own on anything, I only have issue with factually incorrect, unscientific and potentially dangerous information. I am not ‘a trouble maker’ in fact I seek peace wherever possible, but I do strongly feel that something needs to change in the ‘parenting expert’ world, we need to stop disempowering new parents and help them to foster their own confidence and do this by empowering them with factually correct information.
We are deeply sorry to all of our teachers who we will not be representing and also sorry for all of the members of the public we could have helped and those we knew already had planned to visit us, particularly for babywearing help, but we cannot – will not – put our business’ finances first. For that would even go against our very own code of ethics, written by myself for BabyCalmTM and our teachers two years ago, and in particular the second most important point in our code:
“BabyCalm™ will always put the health and well-being of the parent and baby first.”
We will *always* put the health and well-being of the parent and baby first and we just can’t do this if I am gagged in order to be allowed to exhibit at the Baby Show.
With this in mind we replied to Melanie and told her pretty much what I have said here and re-submitted our initial complaint letter, hoping once again for a reply (again we did not receive one). This was her reply:
“As discussed in our conversation this afternoon unfortunately it does not seem that we are able to find a workable solution to the situation to enable Baby Calm to exhibit at Earls Court. This is disappointing for us as the events aim to provide a range of experts throughout the show. However through the negative comments made towards The Baby Show and speakers at the event we do not believe that it is advisable to proceed. The attached presentation uses The Baby Show logo without our permission and both ourselves and the speakers quoted believe that the comments are taken out of context to portray the speakers in a negative light. This is detrimental to both the speakers and Baby Show brand.
I have spoken to a number of the speakers referenced since receiving your email and The Baby Show still believes that these are credible and respected. We have a number of speakers with differing views who are presented as providing independent information. This information is promoted in a positive light focussing on what they recommend and why, opposed to referencing other experts who they disagree with. This is has been a successful strategy for a number of years and therefore one which we wish to maintain.”
We are incredibly saddened that The Baby Show chose to ignore the strongly researched and referenced information we sent in our complaint letter, but hope you can understand why BabyCalmTM can no longer be involved in these shows. We do feel guilty that perhaps we have put our principles before helping those parents attending, by providing them with current, evidence based information, but it is important to us that BabyCalmTM continue to maintain not only our hard earned reputation, but also uphold the ethics that helped us to get there and for these reasons we cannot be part of a company that do not share our ethics and vision. We hope you understand and can support us in that.
To end I would like to point you to this blog post http://babycalm.wordpress.com/2012/09/14/why-the-world-needs-a-parenting-revolution/ I wrote about the dire need for a parenting revolution, I do believe it is coming, I do believe we are teetering on the edge of a paradigm shift and I do believe we can make a different and return humanity to parenting and thus to our species. In the words of the great Mahatma Ghandi:
“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. “
Sarahx
Why You Should Celebrate International Babywearing Week – Guest Post by Babywearing UK
Many thanks to Victoria Ward from Babywearing UK for this guest blog post:
Celebrate International Babywearing Week Oct 8-14th, 2012
Every year, families around the world get together to celebrate ‘International Babywearing Week‘. What is it, you might ask? And why the need to celebrate what is actually something simple: carrying your child? Is there anything novel about that?
For thousands of years, women carried their babies everywhere: in the house, at work, outside… It was the best – and possibly the only way – to keep them safe and warm. Then it became usual to place babies in various contraptions away from their mothers – from buggies to car seats, rocking chairs, cots, even walkers. As usual with these things, you might have noticed that the tide is turning. More and more parents (re)-discover that it is practical and convenient to carry their baby. And it is actually a good thing.
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Above image Copyright Calin Bleu
Parents can be at a loss to understand their newborn. Why is he fussing? Is he hungry, tired, does he need a clean nappy? Carrying your baby close helps you understand his signs much quicker, establishing the early foundations of communication and satisfying his needs before he gets to the full-on cries. A much nicer experience for the whole family.
The extra cuddles and closeness give the baby just the reassurance he needs to transition from the womb to the outside world. It can be bright and noisy out there but snuggled up against mummy or daddy’s chest, it’s alright. The closeness allows baby to sense his parents’ reactions much better and gradually makes sense of his experiences.
If you have to be separated from your baby for work or other reasons, carrying him closely in a baby sling while you are with him – perhaps on the way to nursery – is a good way to catch up on closeness. It is also true for working fathers who might not be able to see their little one as much as they want during the week. A baby sling is not just for parents: try lending a baby carrier to your childminder and show her how you use it. She will be able to comfort your baby throughout the day even if she has other children to care for.
Above image copyright Moby Wrap
‘Babywearing’ is not just for newborns and babies. There are numerous child carriers who have been designed to fit toddlers. They allow you to carry your child right up to about 20kg (45lb). You can help him catch a nap on your back in the middle of a busy day, or encourage him to walk independently knowing that if he gets too tired, you can pop him on your back. A baby sling is a good way to keep young children safe in busy surroundings – at the market or when you’re travelling on public transport for example. Perched on your back, they have a good view of their surroundings (probably less scary that if they were much lower on the ground, surrounded by what must surely seem like giants!).
Above Image: Copyright. Connecta Baby Carrier.
So why celebrate International Babywearing Week? Because parents all around the world are choosing to parent their children a different way, a way that suits the whole family. Because carrying their baby or their toddler in a comfortable baby carrier allows parents to live the life they want to live with their child.
To find a babywearing event near you visit: www.babywearing.co.uk
A Guest blog by Victoria Ward from Babywearing UK.
Love Bombing – A Guest Blog by Oliver James
This blog post has been written by Oliver James, psychologist, Guardian columnist and author. His books include ‘Affluenza’ and ‘How Not to F*** Them Up’.
Here Oliver describes the subject matter of his latest book ’Love Bombing: Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat’ - having had the benefit of trying Oliver’s Love Bombing technique with my own son (see THIS POST) I can heartily recommend this book if you are struggling with your child’s behaviour.
Nine year old Tim hated himself, he told his mum Marianne he was ‘rubbish’ at everything and became more threatening towards his talented older sister.
Marianne was at her wits’ end, having tried everything suggested by her son’s GP and teacher, including a stricter punishment regime. My advice was to try the opposite – a technique called Love Bombing.
It entails giving your child a very intense, condensed experience of feeling completely loved and completely in control. It works best with children aged three to the onset of puberty and can be applied to depressive children such as Tim, as well as classic cases of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or when a child is aggressively defiant. It also works well for shyness or academic underachievement. But there does not have to be any ‘problem’, it would improve the well-being of both parent and child in almost every case – over 100 parents have done it (put ‘love bombing oliver james’ into google to see thousands of threads).
Interestingly, a significant number of the parents who found it useful had used strict routines with their babies or toddlers. They reported feeling that the Love Bombing seemed to reset their child’s emotional thermostats as well as enabling them to parent in a more loving and effective fashion (for a more detailed account click HERE and for my view that strict routines with babies are harmful click HERE).
The child is told that they are going to have a period when they can do whatever they like, within reason. during this time, they have the exclusive attention of a parent. the child is in charge of where they go and what they do, including meals and bedtimes, and told he or she is loved, along with lots of cuddles, as often as possible. The period can be 48 hours, a single day or shorter bursts. Whatever the duration, the experience needs to be rekindled daily for half an hour for lasting effects.
Perhaps surprisingly, children are more willing to accept boundaries afterwards. the opposite of stricter discipline is often what is required when a child is playing up. they are feeling needy and deprived, loveless and powerless. Give them an intense period of feeling loved and in control, and the neediness and anger dissolve.
Almost all the arents who have done it report a more biddable, calmer child. parents who have been sucked into a nagging, niggling pattern become more authoritative.
Marianne took Tim away for 48 hours to a hotel. he chose it and they spent time watching TV and messing about. a week later she said, ‘it definitely worked. so far we haven’t had any major unhappiness.’ eighteen months on, the self-loathing was extinguished. tim recalled, ‘the best bit was just being alone with my mum.’
As part of a professional couple Marianne could afford a hotel. but dozens of parents have found ways of doing love bombing that require little or no cost.
It might sound like just spending ‘quality time’. this is something entirely different. Going that extra mile into the love bombing zone can save you a huge amount of grief – and it can be a whole lot of fun.
Above picture: Oliver at the 2012 BabyCalm Conference.
To learn more about Oliver’s Love Bombing technique visit www.lovebombing.info.
Oliver will be speaking about Love Bombing at the BabyCalm & ToddlerCalm 2013 International Conference next year, for more information or if you would like to book a ticket visit the conference website HERE.
‘Love Bombing: Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat’ is published by Karnac Books on Friday 28th September 2012, £9.99
